Why the sad face?

Today, I am sad. I'm sad for me, my kids, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. I'm really sad for my mom. I am especially sad for my grandfather.

My grandma has been sick for a long time. When I say sick, I mean she has had cancer...for a long time. We know the day will come when she will move on to the next life. I feel that day has nearly come. And while it is inevitable, it doesn't make me or anyone else less sad.

I am NOT sad for my grandma. She has battled cancer for so long. She has fought courageously, eloquently even. She has physically endured through things that a lot of us never will. She has a lot pain. Her body started rejecting the pain patches that helped her to get through the day.  It wouldn't be fair, to her, to ask Heavenly Father to keep her here longer. Just to help ease my sadness. I am thankful for the knowledge that when she crosses the veil she will be free from all the pain of this world. She will be at peace. She will be reunited with loved ones that have gone before. She will be looking out for all of us and we'll get to feel her near. But I am still sad. Sad for me.

While visiting her this summer I took this picture of her. I'll never forget this moment. Just before we both broke down, held each other and cried. She told me not to be sad. That she had lived a long full life. And that she was proud of me. Proud of my talents. Proud of the mother I am. Proud of how hard I work. All of the things that in someways I have learned from her.

As a photographer, I tend to edit out the imperfections. Clients prefer it as well. I take out creases and wrinkles, dark circles under eyes, occasional bruises and cold sores. I may even slim your face or arms or legs. But this picture is different. This is how I want to remember my grandmother. I want to remember every wrinkle from a lifetime of smiles and kisses to my grandpa. The furrow in her brow from worry. Neat short hair with small dangley earrings. Always a simple but elegant necklace. Dressed classy and nearly always in sandals with perfectly painted toes. And she always has smooth tan legs.

I do, however, take comfort in knowing that there is a life after death. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, and because of sacred temple ordinances Heavenly Father has given us the promise to be a family forever. That we can be reunited and live together for eternity. Our lives on earth without her is a small moment compared to eternity.

But I am still sad.

I love you Grandma.

It is official...

It's official- Ben received an offer letter from National Oilwell Varco. It's a down hole drilling company that sells the drill bits to the oil rigs. It's such a great opportunity to advance our family and live a little less close to paychecks.

The downside we are moving to west Virginia.

What?! Yep, you read it right. West Virginia. You know 2100 miles to the east?

It's a wonderful and fun adventure for our family to live so close to things like our nations capital, a trip to new York is like a trip to Salt Lake. But what about our families? What are all the fun things we are going to miss. CornFest, 24th of July parades, Mother's Day and Father's day as well as family birthday parties. And vice versa they won't be with us for ours.

Its OK though right? Technology has afforded us with so many ways to communicate now.

It will be hard but worth it in the end.

Ben will fly out on Sunday May 10th and will start work the following day. He will find us a home  and work for 3 or 4 weeks, fly back, and then we will start our cross country road trip.

My mom

I've been thinking about my Mother's Day post for over a week. And everytime i went to write it I have been coming up blank. Not because I don't love my mother. In fact I love her dearly. She is my rock, and my best friend.

I get VERY emotional when I talk about my mom. And I think it's because I know that I will NEVER be able to thank her for all that she has done and still does for me. Or apologize for the heartache and anguish I may have caused. Or heaven forbid-she not know how much I love her.

Or maybe it's because I took her for granted until I became a mother myself. And she still loved me unconditionally.

Mom, this small tribute for you is ever so lacking. You've cared and protected. You've nurtured and soothed. You've nearly moved mountains when it was needed. You have worked for your family and you've stood unafraid with faith unwavering. You've loved with such strength. What a difference it's all made in my life and in the life of others.

I'm so proud to call you my mom and my kids are so lucky to have you as their grandma. I want you to know that I love you more and more each day. Thank you for all that you do. I thank Heavenly Father each day for you.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

Discouraged

I am totally bummed. I have been working on a gift for my mom for several days now. While working on it tonight it disappeared. Gone. No more. I'm fairly sure I wasn't doing anything that would cause it to do so. But I may be wrong.

I'm really sad that it won't be here for her to open on Sunday. My mom deserves all the gifts and happiness in the world. Now I have to scramble and put something together so that she will have something to open at least.

I'm. so. sad.

It has happend....

Yep. It has happened. I have become one of THOSE people. You know...the ones that don't update their blogs for a year?

But I think I have a pretty valid excuse. I do have 4 kids and three of them are 2 and under. (for now)

I am back though. For all my amazing fans. hehehe

But seriously, I have missed this...this blogging as it is called. I have missed journaling important events in the Cram family's life, say like Jax starting Kindergarten, or how about loosing his first tooth, or Dylan's adventures, the girls first smiles and crawling. But no worries! I have it all on camera. And thank GOODNESS for automatic date stamping!

So as a pre-curser I just want to say I will be posting current thoughts, feelings and events with past. Past events will simply be titled with the date. Hopefully its not too confusing.

Newborn pics.

I was looking forward to Livvey and Lizzy's newborn session since I found out I was pregnant with twins. and Kellie Larsen with Elements Photography did NOT dissappoint. She is truely one of the BEST in the business. Especially here in Southern Utah.

They were 8 days old when these were taken. Enjoy.

May 31, 2011 The birth of the twins.

***LONG POST*** (and photos are not edited, sorry)

This is the day our baby girls came into this world and will forever bless our lives.

Doc Astle scheduled the induction before he left for his trip to Italy. (lucky him, not so lucky for me) But it seems that it all worked out.

We got the call to come to the hospital at 5:45am they said to be their no later then 6:30am but not earlier then 6am because of shift change.

We arrived about 6:20am and I was SO nervous. We only knew that both babies were head down a week ago. Who knows where they were now.

I had Ben take a final picture of me in all my glory. I will never be pregnant with twins again. Better make a memory...right. (Check out the pic...I was freaking HUGE! no wonder people stared at me when I left the house!)

After this pic I got changed in to my open back sided gown and was ready to be settled in the bed.

Then after five attempts at an IV, several nurses, a weird doctor (who was going to deliver since mine is on vacation in ITALY), an ultrasound, one bag of water broken, an electrode on baby A's head and a power outage we were finally ready to settle in at the hospital.

Then the contractions started to come. I already knew I was having an epidural whether I wanted one or not. (Which I did cause I'm a pansy) But I wanted to wait as long as possible.

Through out the day I had a few visitors, mine and Ben's best friends Dave and Brooke, and a few others. I was a little embarrassed when D&B came in because #1-I am basically naked under the sheet, #2 The contractions were starting to hurt really bad, but the monitor said they weren't very hard so I kept holding off, and #3-I was NOT looking very cute. (NOT that really mattered.)

The nurse comes in at about 1:30pm and asked how my pain was and I told her I was ready for the epidural (actually i cried) I was feeling like SUCH a wuss because the monitor said they were very mild contractions, when I told her I felt like a pansy she said the the monitor was mainly just to monitor that you are having them, not necessarily the intensity. (UM....DUH Heather, you were "suffering" for nothing...lol)

The anesthesiologist came in and he was WONDERFUL! So kind, with kind words even though I was crying, (who knows why?) and he gave me the perfect epidural. NO pain, but full use of my legs. (Well not walking of course) but I could move them myself! It was great. The nurse told me to relax and she would be back in in a few minutes to put my cathater in and check the dialation and such.

Few minutes pass and the above mentioned was done. I was at a 7 and 80% effaced. She told me to take a nap and in an hour I would be ready to "have those babies" I was stoked. She and the other nurses started to say their goodbyes, it was shift change. They all had hoped I would have had them on their shift. The next nurse peeked her head in and said hello and she would be back in a minute to check all my vitals. Then she was literally back in a minute. She was looking at my monitor and looking at me and started talking REALLY fast about how they were going to wheel me into the operating room "Just in case" they had to get baby B our really quick, and a few other things and another nurse came racing in behind her wheeling out the baby birthing stuff. She then said she was going to check me agian (I thought it was weird cause the other nurse had literally JUST checked me. MAYBE 10 minutes earlier.) When she did I was at a 10 with just a little Rim. Then she REALLY told me what was going on, that baby 'A's' heartbeat had dropped and they were concerned because 10 min before I was only at a 7. (I TRUELY believe if I hadn't been dialated and ready to push they would have taken them emergency C-section.)

So they whisked Ben and I to the O.R. and the nurses from that morning decided to stay and help! I was SO happy.  (It made it so there were 12 people there with us, reflecting back now it was such a beautiful greeting for coming into this world) Feet in the stir-ups and the nurse says lets give a little test push, so I pushed and she starts counting "1-2-3.....Stop! Stop pushing! You have to stop pushing! Call Doctor So and SO (I can't think of his name) he has to come NOW! This baby is going to come on her own. Your aren't pushing are you, oh my goodness, tell the doctor to HURRY!" It was so FUNNY! Then the doctor (just like in the movies) rushed in the nurse had his gown and gloves ready for him, he slid across the room on a rolling stool, and out popped Olivia Leigh.

Yep...7 pounds 6 ounces and 20 inches long on May 31, at 2:30pm. Everyone was AMAZED!

Some of the comments were "Oh! She is so big! She looks SO healthy! I can't believe  you just delivered her! The other one has got to be smaller!?" I told them that in the ultrasounds Olivia WAS the smaller one. And then I was nervous.

While all of the above was going on the doc was doing another ultrasound to make sure baby "B" was still head down. (She was) and he broke the other bag of water. (It gushed ALL over him cause he did it during a contraction, it look SO cool!) A few pushes later (like 3) out came our Elizabeth Leigh

Yes! 7 pounds 10 ounces and 20 inches long at 2:40pm

Elizabeth was having a little trouble breathing so they whisked her away really quick to give her a good suction. There were SO many cheers and tears of happiness. Even with all the people and the running around it was a beautiful welcoming to the girls.

Neither spent time in the NICU, and we all got to go home the very next day. It was an easier birth then either one of the boys with no tearing or damage, you know, down there.

My nurses were wonderful, they even came to visit the next day on the mom and baby floor. They were one of a kind.

My girls were best friends in heaven, and they said to each other, "I'm not going without you" and because they are such special and valiant spirits Heavenly Father told them that they could. And to be their mom is such an honor.

It seemed like FOREVER before my Jackson and Dylan could get there to meet their sisters. When they finally arrived I happend to be holding one and as soon as Dylan saw that he started screaming and reaching out for me. He did NOT want me to have anything to do with those babies. (He really loves them now though) And sweet sweet Jackson with his little heart of gold was immediately smitten by them. Especially Olivia for whatever reason.  He was so proud and gentle. He is sucha sweetheart.