Why the sad face?

Today, I am sad. I'm sad for me, my kids, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. I'm really sad for my mom. I am especially sad for my grandfather.

My grandma has been sick for a long time. When I say sick, I mean she has had cancer...for a long time. We know the day will come when she will move on to the next life. I feel that day has nearly come. And while it is inevitable, it doesn't make me or anyone else less sad.

I am NOT sad for my grandma. She has battled cancer for so long. She has fought courageously, eloquently even. She has physically endured through things that a lot of us never will. She has a lot pain. Her body started rejecting the pain patches that helped her to get through the day.  It wouldn't be fair, to her, to ask Heavenly Father to keep her here longer. Just to help ease my sadness. I am thankful for the knowledge that when she crosses the veil she will be free from all the pain of this world. She will be at peace. She will be reunited with loved ones that have gone before. She will be looking out for all of us and we'll get to feel her near. But I am still sad. Sad for me.

While visiting her this summer I took this picture of her. I'll never forget this moment. Just before we both broke down, held each other and cried. She told me not to be sad. That she had lived a long full life. And that she was proud of me. Proud of my talents. Proud of the mother I am. Proud of how hard I work. All of the things that in someways I have learned from her.

As a photographer, I tend to edit out the imperfections. Clients prefer it as well. I take out creases and wrinkles, dark circles under eyes, occasional bruises and cold sores. I may even slim your face or arms or legs. But this picture is different. This is how I want to remember my grandmother. I want to remember every wrinkle from a lifetime of smiles and kisses to my grandpa. The furrow in her brow from worry. Neat short hair with small dangley earrings. Always a simple but elegant necklace. Dressed classy and nearly always in sandals with perfectly painted toes. And she always has smooth tan legs.

I do, however, take comfort in knowing that there is a life after death. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, and because of sacred temple ordinances Heavenly Father has given us the promise to be a family forever. That we can be reunited and live together for eternity. Our lives on earth without her is a small moment compared to eternity.

But I am still sad.

I love you Grandma.