Choose a job you love....

How does the ol' saying go?

"Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." 

I think?

Any who, you get the just of it.

I heard it said on the radio or  somewhere between a child yelling "Mom.....Mom.....Mom....MOM!" (Even though I had already answered her with a "yes, dear." or a "What, love.") and cleaning.

And I thought to myself. Yeah, unless you are a mom. And it was filled with sarcasm and disdain.

And immediately after that I heard myself say, (out loud, before I even knew I had thunk the thought)

"Because being a mom is a calling, not a job."

Whoa! What? How did I..? Wait...what? I was a little breathless.

 I'm sure it was Holy Ghost reminding (if not chastising) me for thinking something as sacred as a calling to motherhood could be as trivial as a "job". At least in an eternal perspective.

A calling I feel like I continually fall short of. A calling that I pray daily for strength and for guidance. A calling that is the hardest thing I have EVER done or will do.

I don't know why, but I have never felt "at ease" in motherhood. I don't know that its ever come naturally. I have never felt comfortable that I am a stay at home mom. I've never felt like I'm doing enough as a mom and/or a wife. I have never been comfortable with the fact that I don't contribute monetarily to the family.

I worked when Jackson was very little. And I cried nearly everyday that I had to drop him off at the babysitters. Even when it was my mother-in-law caring for him. I cried. Because all I wanted to do was be a stay at home mom. When Dylan came along was when my husband and I decided that I should take the big leap. I've been out of the workforce for five years now. It seems strange.

There is no way of knowing, or calculating the endless hours of work and worry and love that goes into being a mom. Even when I sleep I dream about my kids and saving them from bad people. (Thank you crime TV)

My mom tells me its because I cant tangibly measure it. There isn't someone there to say, "hey, you are doing a great job. Here is a raise." or better yet "here is a super power". Motherhood is an endurance, long haul, reap the rewards later kind of thing. I am very much a "results now" type person.

I hope this isn't coming across as a pity party type deal. I have been thinking about this for about a week and just need to get it out of my head.

I am blessed that I have four beautiful little people who are in my care and call me Mom. I love them with all my heart and soul. Each day I cant wait for the boys to get home from school. For Dylan to run down the stairs and into my arms with the biggest hug and smile. For Jackson to flash his blue/green eyes at me and ask me if he can play catch with his buddies. For Livvey to look at me through her eyelashes and plant a giant kiss on my face just because. And to hear little Lizzie in her tiny little princess voice say "thanks mom!" when I tell her she can eat her orange outside.

"Anything worth doing is hard." I don't know who said it but it continues to pop into my head when I think on this subject.

So I leave it at that. Whether you are a mother in a traditional household, working mother, single mother or want to be a mother. It is hard. And anything worth doing is hard.

Motherhood is definitely worth it.

Why the sad face?

Today, I am sad. I'm sad for me, my kids, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. I'm really sad for my mom. I am especially sad for my grandfather.

My grandma has been sick for a long time. When I say sick, I mean she has had cancer...for a long time. We know the day will come when she will move on to the next life. I feel that day has nearly come. And while it is inevitable, it doesn't make me or anyone else less sad.

I am NOT sad for my grandma. She has battled cancer for so long. She has fought courageously, eloquently even. She has physically endured through things that a lot of us never will. She has a lot pain. Her body started rejecting the pain patches that helped her to get through the day.  It wouldn't be fair, to her, to ask Heavenly Father to keep her here longer. Just to help ease my sadness. I am thankful for the knowledge that when she crosses the veil she will be free from all the pain of this world. She will be at peace. She will be reunited with loved ones that have gone before. She will be looking out for all of us and we'll get to feel her near. But I am still sad. Sad for me.

While visiting her this summer I took this picture of her. I'll never forget this moment. Just before we both broke down, held each other and cried. She told me not to be sad. That she had lived a long full life. And that she was proud of me. Proud of my talents. Proud of the mother I am. Proud of how hard I work. All of the things that in someways I have learned from her.

As a photographer, I tend to edit out the imperfections. Clients prefer it as well. I take out creases and wrinkles, dark circles under eyes, occasional bruises and cold sores. I may even slim your face or arms or legs. But this picture is different. This is how I want to remember my grandmother. I want to remember every wrinkle from a lifetime of smiles and kisses to my grandpa. The furrow in her brow from worry. Neat short hair with small dangley earrings. Always a simple but elegant necklace. Dressed classy and nearly always in sandals with perfectly painted toes. And she always has smooth tan legs.

I do, however, take comfort in knowing that there is a life after death. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, and because of sacred temple ordinances Heavenly Father has given us the promise to be a family forever. That we can be reunited and live together for eternity. Our lives on earth without her is a small moment compared to eternity.

But I am still sad.

I love you Grandma.

It is official...

It's official- Ben received an offer letter from National Oilwell Varco. It's a down hole drilling company that sells the drill bits to the oil rigs. It's such a great opportunity to advance our family and live a little less close to paychecks.

The downside we are moving to west Virginia.

What?! Yep, you read it right. West Virginia. You know 2100 miles to the east?

It's a wonderful and fun adventure for our family to live so close to things like our nations capital, a trip to new York is like a trip to Salt Lake. But what about our families? What are all the fun things we are going to miss. CornFest, 24th of July parades, Mother's Day and Father's day as well as family birthday parties. And vice versa they won't be with us for ours.

Its OK though right? Technology has afforded us with so many ways to communicate now.

It will be hard but worth it in the end.

Ben will fly out on Sunday May 10th and will start work the following day. He will find us a home  and work for 3 or 4 weeks, fly back, and then we will start our cross country road trip.

My mom

I've been thinking about my Mother's Day post for over a week. And everytime i went to write it I have been coming up blank. Not because I don't love my mother. In fact I love her dearly. She is my rock, and my best friend.

I get VERY emotional when I talk about my mom. And I think it's because I know that I will NEVER be able to thank her for all that she has done and still does for me. Or apologize for the heartache and anguish I may have caused. Or heaven forbid-she not know how much I love her.

Or maybe it's because I took her for granted until I became a mother myself. And she still loved me unconditionally.

Mom, this small tribute for you is ever so lacking. You've cared and protected. You've nurtured and soothed. You've nearly moved mountains when it was needed. You have worked for your family and you've stood unafraid with faith unwavering. You've loved with such strength. What a difference it's all made in my life and in the life of others.

I'm so proud to call you my mom and my kids are so lucky to have you as their grandma. I want you to know that I love you more and more each day. Thank you for all that you do. I thank Heavenly Father each day for you.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

Discouraged

I am totally bummed. I have been working on a gift for my mom for several days now. While working on it tonight it disappeared. Gone. No more. I'm fairly sure I wasn't doing anything that would cause it to do so. But I may be wrong.

I'm really sad that it won't be here for her to open on Sunday. My mom deserves all the gifts and happiness in the world. Now I have to scramble and put something together so that she will have something to open at least.

I'm. so. sad.

It has happend....

Yep. It has happened. I have become one of THOSE people. You know...the ones that don't update their blogs for a year?

But I think I have a pretty valid excuse. I do have 4 kids and three of them are 2 and under. (for now)

I am back though. For all my amazing fans. hehehe

But seriously, I have missed this...this blogging as it is called. I have missed journaling important events in the Cram family's life, say like Jax starting Kindergarten, or how about loosing his first tooth, or Dylan's adventures, the girls first smiles and crawling. But no worries! I have it all on camera. And thank GOODNESS for automatic date stamping!

So as a pre-curser I just want to say I will be posting current thoughts, feelings and events with past. Past events will simply be titled with the date. Hopefully its not too confusing.

Newborn pics.

I was looking forward to Livvey and Lizzy's newborn session since I found out I was pregnant with twins. and Kellie Larsen with Elements Photography did NOT dissappoint. She is truely one of the BEST in the business. Especially here in Southern Utah.

They were 8 days old when these were taken. Enjoy.

May 31, 2011 The birth of the twins.

***LONG POST*** (and photos are not edited, sorry)

This is the day our baby girls came into this world and will forever bless our lives.

Doc Astle scheduled the induction before he left for his trip to Italy. (lucky him, not so lucky for me) But it seems that it all worked out.

We got the call to come to the hospital at 5:45am they said to be their no later then 6:30am but not earlier then 6am because of shift change.

We arrived about 6:20am and I was SO nervous. We only knew that both babies were head down a week ago. Who knows where they were now.

I had Ben take a final picture of me in all my glory. I will never be pregnant with twins again. Better make a memory...right. (Check out the pic...I was freaking HUGE! no wonder people stared at me when I left the house!)

After this pic I got changed in to my open back sided gown and was ready to be settled in the bed.

Then after five attempts at an IV, several nurses, a weird doctor (who was going to deliver since mine is on vacation in ITALY), an ultrasound, one bag of water broken, an electrode on baby A's head and a power outage we were finally ready to settle in at the hospital.

Then the contractions started to come. I already knew I was having an epidural whether I wanted one or not. (Which I did cause I'm a pansy) But I wanted to wait as long as possible.

Through out the day I had a few visitors, mine and Ben's best friends Dave and Brooke, and a few others. I was a little embarrassed when D&B came in because #1-I am basically naked under the sheet, #2 The contractions were starting to hurt really bad, but the monitor said they weren't very hard so I kept holding off, and #3-I was NOT looking very cute. (NOT that really mattered.)

The nurse comes in at about 1:30pm and asked how my pain was and I told her I was ready for the epidural (actually i cried) I was feeling like SUCH a wuss because the monitor said they were very mild contractions, when I told her I felt like a pansy she said the the monitor was mainly just to monitor that you are having them, not necessarily the intensity. (UM....DUH Heather, you were "suffering" for nothing...lol)

The anesthesiologist came in and he was WONDERFUL! So kind, with kind words even though I was crying, (who knows why?) and he gave me the perfect epidural. NO pain, but full use of my legs. (Well not walking of course) but I could move them myself! It was great. The nurse told me to relax and she would be back in in a few minutes to put my cathater in and check the dialation and such.

Few minutes pass and the above mentioned was done. I was at a 7 and 80% effaced. She told me to take a nap and in an hour I would be ready to "have those babies" I was stoked. She and the other nurses started to say their goodbyes, it was shift change. They all had hoped I would have had them on their shift. The next nurse peeked her head in and said hello and she would be back in a minute to check all my vitals. Then she was literally back in a minute. She was looking at my monitor and looking at me and started talking REALLY fast about how they were going to wheel me into the operating room "Just in case" they had to get baby B our really quick, and a few other things and another nurse came racing in behind her wheeling out the baby birthing stuff. She then said she was going to check me agian (I thought it was weird cause the other nurse had literally JUST checked me. MAYBE 10 minutes earlier.) When she did I was at a 10 with just a little Rim. Then she REALLY told me what was going on, that baby 'A's' heartbeat had dropped and they were concerned because 10 min before I was only at a 7. (I TRUELY believe if I hadn't been dialated and ready to push they would have taken them emergency C-section.)

So they whisked Ben and I to the O.R. and the nurses from that morning decided to stay and help! I was SO happy.  (It made it so there were 12 people there with us, reflecting back now it was such a beautiful greeting for coming into this world) Feet in the stir-ups and the nurse says lets give a little test push, so I pushed and she starts counting "1-2-3.....Stop! Stop pushing! You have to stop pushing! Call Doctor So and SO (I can't think of his name) he has to come NOW! This baby is going to come on her own. Your aren't pushing are you, oh my goodness, tell the doctor to HURRY!" It was so FUNNY! Then the doctor (just like in the movies) rushed in the nurse had his gown and gloves ready for him, he slid across the room on a rolling stool, and out popped Olivia Leigh.

Yep...7 pounds 6 ounces and 20 inches long on May 31, at 2:30pm. Everyone was AMAZED!

Some of the comments were "Oh! She is so big! She looks SO healthy! I can't believe  you just delivered her! The other one has got to be smaller!?" I told them that in the ultrasounds Olivia WAS the smaller one. And then I was nervous.

While all of the above was going on the doc was doing another ultrasound to make sure baby "B" was still head down. (She was) and he broke the other bag of water. (It gushed ALL over him cause he did it during a contraction, it look SO cool!) A few pushes later (like 3) out came our Elizabeth Leigh

Yes! 7 pounds 10 ounces and 20 inches long at 2:40pm

Elizabeth was having a little trouble breathing so they whisked her away really quick to give her a good suction. There were SO many cheers and tears of happiness. Even with all the people and the running around it was a beautiful welcoming to the girls.

Neither spent time in the NICU, and we all got to go home the very next day. It was an easier birth then either one of the boys with no tearing or damage, you know, down there.

My nurses were wonderful, they even came to visit the next day on the mom and baby floor. They were one of a kind.

My girls were best friends in heaven, and they said to each other, "I'm not going without you" and because they are such special and valiant spirits Heavenly Father told them that they could. And to be their mom is such an honor.

It seemed like FOREVER before my Jackson and Dylan could get there to meet their sisters. When they finally arrived I happend to be holding one and as soon as Dylan saw that he started screaming and reaching out for me. He did NOT want me to have anything to do with those babies. (He really loves them now though) And sweet sweet Jackson with his little heart of gold was immediately smitten by them. Especially Olivia for whatever reason.  He was so proud and gentle. He is sucha sweetheart.

The little tooth that could....til mamma got involved.

Jackson got a loose tooth not so long ago...(thank you cheeseburger from McDonald's)



We were running errands before he needed to be to school and it was $1 Big Mac Monday and being the great mother that I am I bought my 5 year old a Big Mac, cause it was MUCH cheaper then a kids meal. ANYWAY...as he is eating the sandwich on the way to school he screams bloody murder and starts crying that his tooth is broken. I'm thinking the worst, his crown came off or something that require a dentist.



When we stopped I got out and looked and saw that all the crowns were still in tact. I asked Jackson what tooth it was and he pointed to the front right and it wiggled a little. As soon as I let him know all was right with the world and he just had a loose tooth He was ALL smiles! He told EVERYONE! The teacher, the kids at school the people in the grocery store, ALL his buddies in the neighborhood, the people in the bank, EVERYONE!

A month or so goes by and the dang tooth is STILL in his mouth, and the permanent one is coming in. I tried to bribe him with everything under the sun from ANY toy he wanted at the store, cash and even a LIZARD! Then one morning I could see that dang little tooth barely hanging on. I asked Jackson to let me see it (cause I was really gonna just grab it and pull it out) but of course he was reluctant because of past experiences of "wiggling it too hard". So I pretty much tackled Jackson and gave it a good wiggle and because he was thrashing about the little tooth went FLYING out of his mouth.

Luckily Jackson also has eagle eyes and was able to spot it in the folds of the blanket. PHEW!

He carried that tooth around in a travel soap dish ALL day long. Showing EVERYONE! (again). He was VERY proud.

And of course that night, the tooth fairy made her VERY FIRST appearance at our home.

He was SO worried she wouldn't know he lost a tooth, he told me to call her. lol... I laughed about it all day. But sure enough she showed up sprinkled a little fairy dust on that baby tooth and POOF! if turned into $5!

Preschool Graduation

Look at my baby! He is growing up TOO FAST!

Jackson graduated from Dixie College Preschool on April 28, 2011. He is so quick to learn. My mom and I were talking about him just the other night. Its like he is too smart to hold still. He is always looking for something more interesting and exciting to peek his interest. We found out this year at preschool that he LOVES numbers. He has always done a good job picking them out but now he likes to add and subtract and his favorite thing to do in the car is count to 100. (over and over and over again. lol)

Way to go big guy! Mom and Dad are SO proud of you! You are the best!





Happy Birthday Grandpa!

 Today is my Grandpa's birthday.

Here are a few tidbits about Joseph Patrick Mee.

*He and my grandma met when they were VERY young. (I think middle school) and have been together ever since.





*He is a retired undercover narcotics detective. He has the most incredible stories. You know like the ones that you see on T.V. (yeah, sometimes they really are a little more "reality" then you think)

*He has built and owned his own custom cabinet shop for more then 30 years.

*He ALWAYS knows an interesting fact or tidbit on just about anything worth discussing.

*He does EVERYTHING to the best of his ability.

*He is a true example of honesty.

*He loves my grandma more then life itself. And it shows in EVERYTHING he does for her.

*He is VERY fair in all his dealings.

*He is a convert to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

*He is an avid biker. (not motorcycle, biker as in Bicycle)

*He loves his family unconditionally.

Photo is from his and my grandma's 50th wedding anniversary.
L to R Son: Jeff, Son: Greg, Himself, Wife: Winnie and Daughter: Wendy

*He loves his grandchildren

*He loves his great grandchildren even more.

*He is always willing to help and to teach someone something new. He taught Jackson to shoot a BB gun and we learned that Jax is a dead eye.

*He always treated the girl granddaughters just like the boys, letting us earn our "Totem Ship Awards" for using a pocket knife correctly and safely, just like the boy scouts.

*He would set up the tent in the living room when we were little so we could camp out and not be scared.

*He always has the latest and greatest in gadgets. i.e. gaming systems, cell phones, cool things for bikes, four wheelers. (even if he needs a little help from the grand kids on how to use them)

*He likes to play paintball.

*He has a special gift of Discernment. He knows if and when someone is telling the truth. He can sense when someone is struggling internally and will offer whatever help he can. When I was not living as righteously as I could, I remember him calling me into the office at the shop and him just telling me that he knew I was struggling with something and that he wanted to make sure that I knew that he loved me. And that my grandma loved me. And that my parents loved me more then anything in the world. And that my Heavenly Father loved me. And to ALWAYS remember that. It made me cry the rest of the day, it totally struck a cord. Not much later Ben and I found out that we were going to have Jackson. And we got married and started working towards the temple :)

*He loves to see my grandma smile.  



This is a photo from their wedding.



*He's always got a sparkle in his eye.

*He works too hard.

*He plays nearly as hard when he can take a break.

*He is SUPER safe. Always making sure that we all have and wear helmets when we ride bikes, roller skate, go four wheeling.

*He always is promoting good health and wants all of us to be and stay healthy. He has offered and purchased many workout tapes, diet plans and exercise equipment for himself and/or members of the family.

*He will always call when its your birthday, and sometimes just even to say hello.

*He is a fantastic example of trusting in the Lord, of perseverance, and enduring to the end.

I really could go on forever of all the wonderful things my grandpa is and does. Not only for his family but for others as well.

Happy Birthday Grandpa. I love you.



Jackson Milestone!

I have been SO SO excited for Jackson to start Kindergarten! I know it is going to be something he is going to LOVE.

I had done quite a bit of research on Sunset Elementary, the school 2 blocks away from our house. There was a teacher there I was really excited about and it is so close to the house it would be easy to walk and pick him up. But this morning I learned that we are zoned for a different Elementary school, not nearly as close.

Today was Kindergarten registration so when I learned the news about the zoning I TOTALLY broke down. I was crying (thank you hormones) actually, trying not to sob, while on the phone to my friend, Kristy, who also happens to be the relief society president, who also happened to stop by recently to see my house the messiest it has been in awhile. (eeh, oh well, but I promise, I'm ok)

I don't really think I care so much as to which school he goes to, I just felt SO SO unprepared. Because frankly...I didn't even know where the school was, let alone ANYTHING about the teachers.

Anyway, after I convinced myself that it was NOT the end of the world, I headed over and TRIED (key word...TRIED) to get him registered. But apparently you have to have your kindergarten immunizations BEFORE your register...? (appointment now on Tuesday) I really thought you just had to have them done before SCHOOL started not before registration. Anyway, we got Jackson tested and he did really well, he still struggles with writing his lower case letters but that is something we can work on. And she was impressed by his number knowledge.

The school is newer and in a nice neighborhood. There is a bus that will pick up and drop off that Jackson is REALLY excited about (I'm super nervous about). We are asking for an afternoon class because it will give me a little leeway in getting 2 babies+2 little boys+a mommy ready for the day.

Funny note...they had a couple vending machines by the front desk for pencils and erasers and stuff, Jackson asked "do they give tattoos at elementary school?" With a VERY puzzled look on his face. It made me giggle.

ohhhh....I NEEEED one (actually a couple) of these!

Is this NOT the MOST amazing head piece? Won't it look fantastic on my babies when Elements Photography does their newborn pics? I MUST have a couple of these!

The piece comes from Gracylu Originals. Here is her link to her BRAND NEW website. http://www.gracyluoriginals.com/

She has amazing pieces from newborn to bridals. So beautiful!

Patient, Kind and Merciful....

Those are the words from an amazingly inspired man today. My father.

I have struggled the last couple of days with those very three things, especially when dealing with the ones I love the most. To blame it on the pregnancy and hormones would be all together too easy, and unfair.

I saw my dad for less then 15 minutes and yet he KNEW just what I needed to hear. I hadn't even said anything about having a hard week. And the words just flowed out of his mouth, so inspired, just what I was needing at that moment. Do you think he even knew what he REALLY had said to me?

The Lord works in mysterious ways my friend. Through our family and friends who are in tune and listening to the spirit. Thank you Dad for being that person for me today.

So that is what I'm working on...being in better tune with the spirit, being patient, being more kind, and being merciful.

Two, Two, or one of each?

My oh my...we are so blessed. We found out January 3, 2011 at 1:41pm that we are going to be proud parents to TWO pretty little girls! Yep! Girls!

FINALLY! as my friend Haley would say.

When the nice technician told us that baby "A" had "girl parts" I was so happy and extremely thankful to my Heavenly Father. And when she announced that baby "B" also had "girl parts" I was SHOCKED! and Ben nearly fainted I think. We were sure that we were having a boy and a girl. 

I'm so excited to start shopping and organizing and making room for our sweet baby girls.

Now....to find two girl names that Ben and I can agree on....

New Blog...

Today, I have started a new blog. Mostly just to track my pregnancy. I will do some tracking here on this site but most of the details will be on the other.

Check it out, but I must warn you, it will have LOTS of details Yucky or not.

It is called, What I wasn't expecting while expecting

Happy New Year! I love that today is 1/1/11!

2 boys 2 girls a boy and a girl?

SOON we will find out what our babies are. Soon as is five days, four hours 27 minutes.
Can you tell I'm just a LITTLE bit excited?

I've been so sick, and a tad miserable with these babies. Although....I stopped taking my prenatal vitamins and it has made a WORLD of difference.

Hopefully there is at least one baby girl in there.

Turning 5.

My sweet sweet Jackson...He has turned five! On October 16th 2010. ( I know the post is REALLY late) I really cannot believe it. Everytime I look at him I think when did you get so tall? or when did you get so smart? It really seems like yesterday we were bringing him home. I love you my little stinky face. I'm so proud of the little boy you are becoming. You have such a heart of gold and I know you would do anything for your little brother Dilly. Thank you for making me a better person little bear.

(Pictures to come blogger is being retarded)

October 26, 2010

This is a day I will NEVER forget. The previous couple of weeks I had been having a little sickness. Like morning sickness.

It was a little thrilling to think that I might be pregnant. I had told Ben a few months before that I just KNEW it was that "time" again. You know....when you know when that little spirit is bugging you that they are ready to come. But Ben talked me out of it. We REALLY weren't in any position to have another baby, financially anyway. We would need to wait til we paid off our car and got rid of a few other bills. And then Dyl would be potty trained blah blah blah....so we continued to "prevent".

Apparantly Heavenly Father knows best....A lesson I am still trying to swallow.

I took a pregnancy test on a Friday, it came back positive. I called the doctor on Monday and they made me an appointment for the following day. I hate the girl doctor SO badly. I knew they were going to ask me lots of questions like what was the first day of your last blah blah blah....(which I had NO idea) and they were going to look....down there....dun dun dun.

When I got to the doc it was your typical pee in a cup, get your weight....(holy crap! Really?!), and blood pressure and such. Then it was, get undressed put this sexy paper nighty on and here is a paper blanket incase your a little more modest then most....

Luckily, I have an awesome Doctor. I Love Doctor Astle, he is so kind. After he did my "exam" He said we were going to do an ultrasound so we knew what my due date would be. and in went the "probe" and up came the picture. He looks at it a minute and says "hmmm..."

"Hmmm...?" I'm thinking, "that's All you have to say?" Then he says and points to the screen, "That there is Definately a baby...but see this sack right here, I'm a little troubled," And my heart SANK, could it be? There is something going to be wrong with this pregnancy? My little unborn baby is at risk for some complication...a million scary things were going through my head and I started to cry a little. Then Dr. Astle says, "see that right there....that my girl is another baby".....probe some more...."Yep, see that little flutter, thats a heartbeat, you are having twins!"

What?!?!? and I started to SOB! and sob, and sob, with deep heaving breaths inbetween. For a VERY brief second it was relief that my baby wasn't going to have some kind of horrible complication and then I was pissed that Ben wasn't there, (even though I told him not to come) and then I was just plain scared. Scared for the pregnancy and all the complications that could arise, scared for the financial burden, scared because we would never beable to afford a new and bigger car, scared I wouldn't beable to be a good enough mother to the two I already had.

 I couldn't take my eyes off of the screen. TWINS! Holy crap. TWINS! What are we gonna do. TWINS! Ben is NEVER going to believe me. When i realized the doctor was staring at me like I was a crazy person I blubbered, "I'm not sad, I'm just REALLY scared. My husband is never going to believe me." and the doctor said, "Thats why we send home pictures," and he gave me the most kind and reassuring smile.

So out came the probe and the doc and I discussed what will likley happen, babies will probably come in May sometime since you don't carry them full term, I will have to get with a multiples doctor, he will see me every four weeks til the first trimester is over then every two after that. He gave me a prescription for prenatals (the hugest pill I have ever seen) and a prescription for Zofran (anti-nausia)

I called ben as soon as I was dressed. He, of course, didn't believe me until I started crying (again). I think I cried all day long. I called my mom, she was so excited. and it gave me hope. She told my dad, he said that it was "such a blessing". My grandma made me say "Honest." and our dear dear friends Dave and Brooke had the next most reassuring smiles for me that day. They helped us out and we are now the proud owners of a bigger vehicle that will hold ALL of us.

It has taken me awhile but I've come to terms with having twins. It will most likely be my last pregnancy. and I'm feeling ok about that. I'm sincerly getting more excited by the day and also more sick. I can't wait. and I am REALLY hoping for at least one little girl.

Fitzwater Sneak Peek

I had had a dream.....a dream to shoot in a laundry mat. Crazy! I know. But when it was a TOTAL down pour for these clients I had realized my dream. Rye and Portia are beautiful people! They are so kind and funny and willing. Thanks Rye for putting up with ALL of the picture taking and poses.