Choose a job you love....

How does the ol' saying go?

"Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." 

I think?

Any who, you get the just of it.

I heard it said on the radio or  somewhere between a child yelling "Mom.....Mom.....Mom....MOM!" (Even though I had already answered her with a "yes, dear." or a "What, love.") and cleaning.

And I thought to myself. Yeah, unless you are a mom. And it was filled with sarcasm and disdain.

And immediately after that I heard myself say, (out loud, before I even knew I had thunk the thought)

"Because being a mom is a calling, not a job."

Whoa! What? How did I..? Wait...what? I was a little breathless.

 I'm sure it was Holy Ghost reminding (if not chastising) me for thinking something as sacred as a calling to motherhood could be as trivial as a "job". At least in an eternal perspective.

A calling I feel like I continually fall short of. A calling that I pray daily for strength and for guidance. A calling that is the hardest thing I have EVER done or will do.

I don't know why, but I have never felt "at ease" in motherhood. I don't know that its ever come naturally. I have never felt comfortable that I am a stay at home mom. I've never felt like I'm doing enough as a mom and/or a wife. I have never been comfortable with the fact that I don't contribute monetarily to the family.

I worked when Jackson was very little. And I cried nearly everyday that I had to drop him off at the babysitters. Even when it was my mother-in-law caring for him. I cried. Because all I wanted to do was be a stay at home mom. When Dylan came along was when my husband and I decided that I should take the big leap. I've been out of the workforce for five years now. It seems strange.

There is no way of knowing, or calculating the endless hours of work and worry and love that goes into being a mom. Even when I sleep I dream about my kids and saving them from bad people. (Thank you crime TV)

My mom tells me its because I cant tangibly measure it. There isn't someone there to say, "hey, you are doing a great job. Here is a raise." or better yet "here is a super power". Motherhood is an endurance, long haul, reap the rewards later kind of thing. I am very much a "results now" type person.

I hope this isn't coming across as a pity party type deal. I have been thinking about this for about a week and just need to get it out of my head.

I am blessed that I have four beautiful little people who are in my care and call me Mom. I love them with all my heart and soul. Each day I cant wait for the boys to get home from school. For Dylan to run down the stairs and into my arms with the biggest hug and smile. For Jackson to flash his blue/green eyes at me and ask me if he can play catch with his buddies. For Livvey to look at me through her eyelashes and plant a giant kiss on my face just because. And to hear little Lizzie in her tiny little princess voice say "thanks mom!" when I tell her she can eat her orange outside.

"Anything worth doing is hard." I don't know who said it but it continues to pop into my head when I think on this subject.

So I leave it at that. Whether you are a mother in a traditional household, working mother, single mother or want to be a mother. It is hard. And anything worth doing is hard.

Motherhood is definitely worth it.

Why the sad face?

Today, I am sad. I'm sad for me, my kids, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. I'm really sad for my mom. I am especially sad for my grandfather.

My grandma has been sick for a long time. When I say sick, I mean she has had cancer...for a long time. We know the day will come when she will move on to the next life. I feel that day has nearly come. And while it is inevitable, it doesn't make me or anyone else less sad.

I am NOT sad for my grandma. She has battled cancer for so long. She has fought courageously, eloquently even. She has physically endured through things that a lot of us never will. She has a lot pain. Her body started rejecting the pain patches that helped her to get through the day.  It wouldn't be fair, to her, to ask Heavenly Father to keep her here longer. Just to help ease my sadness. I am thankful for the knowledge that when she crosses the veil she will be free from all the pain of this world. She will be at peace. She will be reunited with loved ones that have gone before. She will be looking out for all of us and we'll get to feel her near. But I am still sad. Sad for me.

While visiting her this summer I took this picture of her. I'll never forget this moment. Just before we both broke down, held each other and cried. She told me not to be sad. That she had lived a long full life. And that she was proud of me. Proud of my talents. Proud of the mother I am. Proud of how hard I work. All of the things that in someways I have learned from her.

As a photographer, I tend to edit out the imperfections. Clients prefer it as well. I take out creases and wrinkles, dark circles under eyes, occasional bruises and cold sores. I may even slim your face or arms or legs. But this picture is different. This is how I want to remember my grandmother. I want to remember every wrinkle from a lifetime of smiles and kisses to my grandpa. The furrow in her brow from worry. Neat short hair with small dangley earrings. Always a simple but elegant necklace. Dressed classy and nearly always in sandals with perfectly painted toes. And she always has smooth tan legs.

I do, however, take comfort in knowing that there is a life after death. Through the atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, and because of sacred temple ordinances Heavenly Father has given us the promise to be a family forever. That we can be reunited and live together for eternity. Our lives on earth without her is a small moment compared to eternity.

But I am still sad.

I love you Grandma.

It is official...

It's official- Ben received an offer letter from National Oilwell Varco. It's a down hole drilling company that sells the drill bits to the oil rigs. It's such a great opportunity to advance our family and live a little less close to paychecks.

The downside we are moving to west Virginia.

What?! Yep, you read it right. West Virginia. You know 2100 miles to the east?

It's a wonderful and fun adventure for our family to live so close to things like our nations capital, a trip to new York is like a trip to Salt Lake. But what about our families? What are all the fun things we are going to miss. CornFest, 24th of July parades, Mother's Day and Father's day as well as family birthday parties. And vice versa they won't be with us for ours.

Its OK though right? Technology has afforded us with so many ways to communicate now.

It will be hard but worth it in the end.

Ben will fly out on Sunday May 10th and will start work the following day. He will find us a home  and work for 3 or 4 weeks, fly back, and then we will start our cross country road trip.

My mom

I've been thinking about my Mother's Day post for over a week. And everytime i went to write it I have been coming up blank. Not because I don't love my mother. In fact I love her dearly. She is my rock, and my best friend.

I get VERY emotional when I talk about my mom. And I think it's because I know that I will NEVER be able to thank her for all that she has done and still does for me. Or apologize for the heartache and anguish I may have caused. Or heaven forbid-she not know how much I love her.

Or maybe it's because I took her for granted until I became a mother myself. And she still loved me unconditionally.

Mom, this small tribute for you is ever so lacking. You've cared and protected. You've nurtured and soothed. You've nearly moved mountains when it was needed. You have worked for your family and you've stood unafraid with faith unwavering. You've loved with such strength. What a difference it's all made in my life and in the life of others.

I'm so proud to call you my mom and my kids are so lucky to have you as their grandma. I want you to know that I love you more and more each day. Thank you for all that you do. I thank Heavenly Father each day for you.

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

Discouraged

I am totally bummed. I have been working on a gift for my mom for several days now. While working on it tonight it disappeared. Gone. No more. I'm fairly sure I wasn't doing anything that would cause it to do so. But I may be wrong.

I'm really sad that it won't be here for her to open on Sunday. My mom deserves all the gifts and happiness in the world. Now I have to scramble and put something together so that she will have something to open at least.

I'm. so. sad.

It has happend....

Yep. It has happened. I have become one of THOSE people. You know...the ones that don't update their blogs for a year?

But I think I have a pretty valid excuse. I do have 4 kids and three of them are 2 and under. (for now)

I am back though. For all my amazing fans. hehehe

But seriously, I have missed this...this blogging as it is called. I have missed journaling important events in the Cram family's life, say like Jax starting Kindergarten, or how about loosing his first tooth, or Dylan's adventures, the girls first smiles and crawling. But no worries! I have it all on camera. And thank GOODNESS for automatic date stamping!

So as a pre-curser I just want to say I will be posting current thoughts, feelings and events with past. Past events will simply be titled with the date. Hopefully its not too confusing.

Newborn pics.

I was looking forward to Livvey and Lizzy's newborn session since I found out I was pregnant with twins. and Kellie Larsen with Elements Photography did NOT dissappoint. She is truely one of the BEST in the business. Especially here in Southern Utah.

They were 8 days old when these were taken. Enjoy.